I Would Die for That

This past weekend, my husband and I attended a Fertility Retreat. You ask, "What is a Fertility Retreat?" Well, it was a place for us to find a sliver of hope, discover we're not alone in our quest, and realize that this journey has impacted both of us equally.

I didn't know what to expect when I signed up for "The Fertile Soul" Foundation Retreat. I mean, I read the description of the class, I read the book a few years back, but I really didn't know what to except. And with that I was really surprised when my husband decided to join me.

You see, I started this blog a little over a year and a half ago to document my journey on becoming a Bio-Mom, instead I let it become about food and exercise. I honestly have been avoiding that topic with myself and my husband for a really long time, not just with this blog. The last time I went to that place of hope I was let down, in a major way. It was hard on me. It was hard on him. It was hard on us. So much so that we let that dream die. People with kids don't understand how every negative pregnancy test takes a piece of you with it. And for me, it took a little more each time. And with it, it drove an unspoken wedge between the two of us. I think subconsciously I felt that if I became a little more distant, then he would find someone who could fulfill his desire of being a dad. Something, that I have obviously failed at.

Ironically, that hope started to reignite within us when we were "fortunate" enough to both be out of work for six months - at the same time. It's during that time that we started healing our wounds, and started rebuilding our relationship. And since there was no talk of children-to-be (or not to be), failed pregnancy tests, what our next steps were going to be, or accusations and misconceptions we were placing on ourselves, we were finally able to just focus on us, and so our relationship became strong again. And then the most amazing thing happened... We start looking at this journey as a couple, something that was happening to the both of us, not just the individual.

Even with that said, I was little surprised when my husband said he wanted to go to the Fertility Retreat with me. The Retreat I knew nothing about, but knew was going to be good thing to experience.... And that's where we are today in our journey.

The Retreat was a mere 2-days, but what we gained was worth more than that. We listened intently on how it wasn't either of our faults, how we weren't defined by any diagnoses imposed on us by "Western" doctors, how we held the power to get pregnant naturally (and if not, how that didn't make us any less than those that could), and finally somewhere along the process... we discovered that we had a little bit of hope left. Just enough to fuel this desire and passion of being Bio-Parents parents.

I realized more than anything, that I WOULD DIE FOR THAT.....

Has It Really Been 3 Months?

Wow! I can't believe it's been close to 3 months since I last posted. While I didn't mean to be gone for so long, I have had a lot of changes occur during the time I was away.

I traveled to Disney World with my best friend for a Girl's Only Trip, and learned that Disney is the best place to visit if you have food allergies / intolerances. I was treated like a queen by all the restaurants, and not once did I worry about what I was going to eat. They know how to do it right! Since I didn't have to worry about my food, I was able to fully enjoy the extremely short lines (being truthful here, not sarcastic).

With one day to recover from 5 fun filled days on my little road trip, I started my new job. I was thrust right into things... being assigned 8 projects my first week. I can honestly say that I love being back in the Project Manager world, specifically with the network / server systems groups. I hadn't realized how much I missed it. Almost at my 2 month anniversary, I can say that I have found my work home and I finally feel a sense of stability (which has been long lost for close to 4 years, if you count the year of ups and downs at HomeBanc before they closed the doors).

Although I have enjoyed being part of the working crowd again, I have to say it's taken a toll on my health. I completely fallen off my workout schedule - working out a total of 3 times in these past 2 months. I have also developed a Coke addiction... having 2 cans a day. Add in the month of October with Candy Corn, and that put me over the edge with a High Fructose Corn Syrup addiction. Which lead to me falling off my gluten, casein, and soy-free lifestyle a little over a week ago.

Now, another bronchitis notch on my belt, a 5 pound weight gain, feeling sluggish and gross all the time, and I am ready to get back on the wagon...

And between you and me... The pizza and junk I've had hasn't been worth anything. I can honestly say, I don't know why I would ever want to eat the overly processed food I've eaten the past week ever again in my life.

What happens when I have Gluten, Casein and Soy?

When I often tell people that I have an intolerance, or allergy, to gluten, casein and soy, their first question usually is: "What happens when you have it?"

Well, in my quest to be "normal" (again with that normal word), I indulged for dinner Sunday night. I pretended, after being on a gluten-, casein-, soy-free diet for 6 months that I didn't have a problem to any of these foods and went to Cracker Barrel for dinner. Yes, it was tasty, but not enough for me to EVER want these foods again! The results are documented.....
 
The symptoms began within minutes of ingesting the glutinous meal of chicken fried chicken, mashed potatoes (both with white gravy), fried okra, hash brown casserole and 2 biscuits. What I first noticed was that I became very itchy... my face, my arms, my scalp. The next symptom actually surprised even me, as it was a first to be correlated - my left knee started hurting badly. It felt as if someone was stabbing me with small knives right above my knee cap. I also started feeling as if I was congested, mucus built up in the back of my throat and in my nasal passages, and I started clearing it. During the ride home, my husband had to ask if I was going to get sick because I couldn't stop burping. My response "no, I'm just gassy!" By the time we got home, I had a stabbing headache, was extremely bloated (to the point where I looked and felt like I had regained all the weight I've lost in my stomach), started to get very tired and felt like crap! It was at this point that I really started to regret my decision to be "normal" for just one meal.

Note: Since I have noticed a decrease in joint pain since being on this diet, I assumed that either the gluten, casein or soy was causing an inflammation in my joints. Until I experienced this symptom within 30 minutes of eating, I hadn't been 100% convinced - I mean not every symptom I experience is related to my problems with these foods. But this one is clear.

During the night, even though I took 4 tums, I suffered from acid reflux (almost throwing up in my sleep). And vivid / terrible dreams. I also had extreme night sweats where I woke up with my hair drenched.

The next day brought on more symptoms: stomach pains, lack of energy, trips to the bathroom that almost cleared me out of the house, more headaches, loss of concentration, and just feeling like shit. What surprised me here was that I couldn't control my mood (even by working out which generally gives me a great feeling afterwards). I felt so out of control, I basically told my husband to leave me alone... I was irritated.... at him for saying "hi", at the people talking on the TV, by the way I felt. I couldn't stand it! To feel that out of control of your emotions is scary, and isn't very pleasant.

This brings me to today, two days after my gluten, casein, soy binge. I woke up feeling like I have a cold. I have an extremely sore throat, have been very lethargic all day (have taken 2 naps), have felt hot to the touch (but not feverish), feel muscle achy, and have been coughing off and on throughout the day. 

Interesting Note: A few days after I had my skin prick allergy test, which didn't show a skin reaction / anaphylaxis allergy, I came down with a sinus infection and bronchitis. Due to the way I'm feeling now, I think my assessment that my recurrent sinus infections and bronchitis were in part related to my diet is correct.

My symptoms are known to last up to a week after having any offending foods, so I am eating a very clean diet (with lots of veggies and water) trying desperately to heal the damage I just caused. I am also making sure my workouts are as intense as they can be, helping my body rid the toxins out of my body (although I didn't work out today). Here's hoping I don't have any more symptoms pop up.

But one thing is for sure. I have determined that I am normal.... even with all my food restrictions... and that I don't have to have the occasional indulgence prove this to myself any more, because the way I feel after I have these foods is NOT normal!!

20 weeks apparently is just "one of those days"

I have these types of days every so often. They are triggered by random events and by old routines.

What kind of day am I referring? Those where I just want to be "normal" again. Those where making food decisions isn't centered around what I have to avoid, but more of what I'm in the mood to enjoy.

Today seems especially rough. I think because in the past 20 weeks (to the day) I have only had 3 or 4 slip-ups. Times where I gave into my cravings, or my desire to be "normal." I always regretted my decision to veer off course - always. Enough to know that I remember the pain that I was in, or how awful I felt for a week after indulging. And, since my last "indulgence" and quest to be "normal", I decided that was my last. The pain and symptoms that I felt, far outweigh that desire.

Even though I've made that decision mentally, it still doesn't prevent me from having one of those days. After resisting all temptations a weekend, out-of-town wedding can offer (like cake), you would think I would be celebrating internally. Instead, I find myself resisting temptations to be "normal." It seems like all the commercials on TV are calling to me today... Pizza Hut pizza, Wendy's frosty, DQ's blizzard. Even the sub-par, over-cooked baked potatoes loaded with sour cream, butter, and cheese were calling my name at Sweet Tomato this afternoon during lunch.

But, even though I have had all these temptations dangled in my face, so close to reach within the past 3 days, I have finally done what I hoped I could do in the past but failed. I have resisted these temptations. And hopefully, I can celebrate this feat tomorrow, when I get over "one of those days."

You finally got the hint, did ya... What took you so long?

So many ways to start this post - "Don't let the door hit you on the way out!", "It's not you, it's me - really", "I've had it! Get out!", "It's Over!"

Who would realize that I'm not talking about breaking up with a boyfriend, spouse, or friend, but about my weight... more specifically, the dreaded 200's!? About 5 years ago (give or take), I went over that dreaded number on the scale. It wasn't a number I ever thought I'd see in my lifetime. And worse yet, it wasn't because I was pregnant. I had already had several "this is my highest weight ever" moments and had tried everything to drop the pounds. I have done boot camps, quick weight loss, medically supervised diets, weight watchers, south beach, Adkins, etc. I would loose a few pounds, no more than 10, and then I would get sick (literally) and I would go back to my old habits.

What I didn't realize at the time, was that even though I was on diets and exercise programs where others had great success, I was still feeding my body poison. So, I would lose a few pounds because of the shock and the calorie restriction, but then my body would revolt on me.

The only program I remember following where I felt healthy, was a program by Marilu Henner (yes the actress) - The Total Health Makeover. It wasn't a diet per-say. It was a lifestyle change. It cut out whole food groups (dairy, sugar, red meat, alcohol) and foods that were highly processed (foods that contained additives, preservatives, chemicals you couldn't pronounce, etc). Naturally, I took things to the extreme, and if an ingredient of something contained dairy I wouldn't eat it. Basically, what happened, is that I cut out all dairy, and most gluten containing products (the later without realizing). Even though I only was able to follow this strict diet for about a month, it was this diet my husband always said I looked my best on (not in terms of weight loss, but in terms of how my face cleared up, my energy levels spiked, my eyes twinkled again, etc). What I didn't realize then, was that my body was telling me how I was supposed to be eating.

Flash forward 7 years.... Because I didn't have the patience or self-motivation to follow such a strict diet, I had ended up gaining more weight, and became more sickly. Some of the diets I followed, caused me to gain weight, not lose it. And of course, all the yo-yo'ing didn't help in this area. So, finally earlier this year, my weight topped out at 214.5 pounds - that's a hell of a lot for someone who is only 5 feet tall.

However, after finally making the commitment to take gluten, casein, and soy out of my diet, as well as add in exercise, I can finally say, that I've officially broken up with the 200's!!! Whoo-hoo!!! I had to wait a few weeks before declaring that I had finally kicked the b*stard out of my life, to make sure there wasn't going to be a rebound relationship. Thankfully, he's gone! He's taken the hint (about damn time)!!

So... I can finally say, that I'm finished with that abusive relationship. I'm finally on my way to making up with that strong and fit person I used to be (back in high school). It's going to take some time to make amends, but I took the first step by kicking the 200's out of my life. What a weight that's been lifted off my shoulders!