20 weeks apparently is just "one of those days"

I have these types of days every so often. They are triggered by random events and by old routines.

What kind of day am I referring? Those where I just want to be "normal" again. Those where making food decisions isn't centered around what I have to avoid, but more of what I'm in the mood to enjoy.

Today seems especially rough. I think because in the past 20 weeks (to the day) I have only had 3 or 4 slip-ups. Times where I gave into my cravings, or my desire to be "normal." I always regretted my decision to veer off course - always. Enough to know that I remember the pain that I was in, or how awful I felt for a week after indulging. And, since my last "indulgence" and quest to be "normal", I decided that was my last. The pain and symptoms that I felt, far outweigh that desire.

Even though I've made that decision mentally, it still doesn't prevent me from having one of those days. After resisting all temptations a weekend, out-of-town wedding can offer (like cake), you would think I would be celebrating internally. Instead, I find myself resisting temptations to be "normal." It seems like all the commercials on TV are calling to me today... Pizza Hut pizza, Wendy's frosty, DQ's blizzard. Even the sub-par, over-cooked baked potatoes loaded with sour cream, butter, and cheese were calling my name at Sweet Tomato this afternoon during lunch.

But, even though I have had all these temptations dangled in my face, so close to reach within the past 3 days, I have finally done what I hoped I could do in the past but failed. I have resisted these temptations. And hopefully, I can celebrate this feat tomorrow, when I get over "one of those days."

You finally got the hint, did ya... What took you so long?

So many ways to start this post - "Don't let the door hit you on the way out!", "It's not you, it's me - really", "I've had it! Get out!", "It's Over!"

Who would realize that I'm not talking about breaking up with a boyfriend, spouse, or friend, but about my weight... more specifically, the dreaded 200's!? About 5 years ago (give or take), I went over that dreaded number on the scale. It wasn't a number I ever thought I'd see in my lifetime. And worse yet, it wasn't because I was pregnant. I had already had several "this is my highest weight ever" moments and had tried everything to drop the pounds. I have done boot camps, quick weight loss, medically supervised diets, weight watchers, south beach, Adkins, etc. I would loose a few pounds, no more than 10, and then I would get sick (literally) and I would go back to my old habits.

What I didn't realize at the time, was that even though I was on diets and exercise programs where others had great success, I was still feeding my body poison. So, I would lose a few pounds because of the shock and the calorie restriction, but then my body would revolt on me.

The only program I remember following where I felt healthy, was a program by Marilu Henner (yes the actress) - The Total Health Makeover. It wasn't a diet per-say. It was a lifestyle change. It cut out whole food groups (dairy, sugar, red meat, alcohol) and foods that were highly processed (foods that contained additives, preservatives, chemicals you couldn't pronounce, etc). Naturally, I took things to the extreme, and if an ingredient of something contained dairy I wouldn't eat it. Basically, what happened, is that I cut out all dairy, and most gluten containing products (the later without realizing). Even though I only was able to follow this strict diet for about a month, it was this diet my husband always said I looked my best on (not in terms of weight loss, but in terms of how my face cleared up, my energy levels spiked, my eyes twinkled again, etc). What I didn't realize then, was that my body was telling me how I was supposed to be eating.

Flash forward 7 years.... Because I didn't have the patience or self-motivation to follow such a strict diet, I had ended up gaining more weight, and became more sickly. Some of the diets I followed, caused me to gain weight, not lose it. And of course, all the yo-yo'ing didn't help in this area. So, finally earlier this year, my weight topped out at 214.5 pounds - that's a hell of a lot for someone who is only 5 feet tall.

However, after finally making the commitment to take gluten, casein, and soy out of my diet, as well as add in exercise, I can finally say, that I've officially broken up with the 200's!!! Whoo-hoo!!! I had to wait a few weeks before declaring that I had finally kicked the b*stard out of my life, to make sure there wasn't going to be a rebound relationship. Thankfully, he's gone! He's taken the hint (about damn time)!!

So... I can finally say, that I'm finished with that abusive relationship. I'm finally on my way to making up with that strong and fit person I used to be (back in high school). It's going to take some time to make amends, but I took the first step by kicking the 200's out of my life. What a weight that's been lifted off my shoulders!