Thursday, November 18, 2010

I Would Die for That

This past weekend, my husband and I attended a Fertility Retreat. You ask, "What is a Fertility Retreat?" Well, it was a place for us to find a sliver of hope, discover we're not alone in our quest, and realize that this journey has impacted both of us equally.

I didn't know what to expect when I signed up for "The Fertile Soul" Foundation Retreat. I mean, I read the description of the class, I read the book a few years back, but I really didn't know what to except. And with that I was really surprised when my husband decided to join me.

You see, I started this blog a little over a year and a half ago to document my journey on becoming a Bio-Mom, instead I let it become about food and exercise. I honestly have been avoiding that topic with myself and my husband for a really long time, not just with this blog. The last time I went to that place of hope I was let down, in a major way. It was hard on me. It was hard on him. It was hard on us. So much so that we let that dream die. People with kids don't understand how every negative pregnancy test takes a piece of you with it. And for me, it took a little more each time. And with it, it drove an unspoken wedge between the two of us. I think subconsciously I felt that if I became a little more distant, then he would find someone who could fulfill his desire of being a dad. Something, that I have obviously failed at.

Ironically, that hope started to reignite within us when we were "fortunate" enough to both be out of work for six months - at the same time. It's during that time that we started healing our wounds, and started rebuilding our relationship. And since there was no talk of children-to-be (or not to be), failed pregnancy tests, what our next steps were going to be, or accusations and misconceptions we were placing on ourselves, we were finally able to just focus on us, and so our relationship became strong again. And then the most amazing thing happened... We start looking at this journey as a couple, something that was happening to the both of us, not just the individual.

Even with that said, I was little surprised when my husband said he wanted to go to the Fertility Retreat with me. The Retreat I knew nothing about, but knew was going to be good thing to experience.... And that's where we are today in our journey.

The Retreat was a mere 2-days, but what we gained was worth more than that. We listened intently on how it wasn't either of our faults, how we weren't defined by any diagnoses imposed on us by "Western" doctors, how we held the power to get pregnant naturally (and if not, how that didn't make us any less than those that could), and finally somewhere along the process... we discovered that we had a little bit of hope left. Just enough to fuel this desire and passion of being Bio-Parents parents.

I realized more than anything, that I WOULD DIE FOR THAT.....


Keisha said...

Sweet sister, you have no idea how much I wish I could give you this gift. I know how much you want it, how much you deserve it, and how amazing you would be as a mom. I am thankful that you have David and that you guys are strong in your journey. You are very lucky to still have a chance and hope -- I'm praying for you to hear, "I love you, Mom."

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