Monday, April 25, 2011

National Infertility Bust a Myth Day 1: Perhaps this is God's way of telling you that you two aren't meant to be parents!

Wow. Where to begin. As few are aware, this week is National Infertility Week. To help raise awareness of this disease that so many couples suffer, including my husband and I, as well as for an upcoming "march" on Washington for better legislation / insurance support, Resolve has asked women to speak out. The goal this all important week is to disspell the many myths surrounding infertility and for us not to be silent any longer.

When I first starting thinking about what my first blog for the week was going to be, I immediately thought of  "relax, and you'll get pregnant." While that is an important myth to dispel, I've decided to touch on one that hits much closer to the heart.

My husband and I have been trying to have a baby on and off for 8.5 years. I say on and off, because we've had to take breaks to work on us, to find jobs, or to grieve over a negative pregnancy test that we felt certain was going to be positive.

During a Fertile Soul retreat this past October, Dr. Randine Lewis had us perform an exercise, whereby we write things that come to mind with our non-dominant hand. It was during this exercise that I realized that I was holding this horrible feeling in my subconscious...

That I wasn't worthy enough, in God's eye, to be a parent.


Did I just write that?!? Do I really feel that way?!? After I gathered myself, I realized, that yes, I feel this way.

And that realization hit me hard. Very hard. You see, until that moment, I didn't even realize that this was a repressed feeling.

I consider myself a spiritual person, not so much a religious person. I believe in God, and Jesus, and that Jesus died for my sins. I believe in God as a amazing, loving father who wants to help steer you in the right direction. Not an oppressive God who is out to punish you (I mean, if he were this oppressive being, why would he have sent his Son to die for our sins?)

So, here was this thought that came to the surface, and all I could think was... what have I done to not please him? I don't go to church, but I pray often. Was I being punished for that? Was I not worthy because I didn't love myself enough? Had taken my husband for granted on more than one occasion? Had spoken ill words about someone?

I'm still praying to find those answers. Or to at least know the answer that I am worthy.

So, when, at the end of this last retreat 1.5 weeks ago one of my Fertile Soul Sisters approached me, I was stunned. This isn't anything I've shared with anyone but with my husband and one friend. Didn't even share it at the retreat, because I'm working through this thought. That gift my Fertile Soul Sister gave me, was the knowledge that God wants all of his children to have children of their own. She stated, "I not sure why I feel the need to tell you this, but there's a book I want to recommend to you. It's a book of how God's dream is for all his children to have children of their own. Can I share that with you?"

For her to approach me, on her own, without prompting, or knowledge of this private, internal struggle, with this message, made me know that God has something in store for me. And that I am worthy. And I'm not being punished. And that He loves me. 

To learn more about Infertility and Resolve's National Infertility Awareness Week, please go to the following links:

Basic understanding of infertility

National Infertility Awareness Week® (NIAW)


Lil Momma said...

Read the blog.... so much to agree with. I thought I was being unjustly punished too. Although when I started this journey I was much more a religious person and have become more spiritual along the way, realizing that there is no way a loving God could be punishing me if he loves me unconditionally. I'm getting to the point where I'm no longer concerned with the why me but the point maybe....hey why not! And like you I sooooo dislike the term infertile- it does not suit me! Glad God sent a message to you through a FS- sister at the right time, we need to hear a word from him every now and then how ever it comes.

Blessings of Miracles to You!

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